The Egg and the Sperm: A Short Drama in Five Acts

Setting: a wood-planked stage with old fashioned floor-lights; think "Puttin' on the Ritz" scene from Young Frankenstein.

The theater is empty, save one big eared, squinty eyed Bush Jr. in the audience.

[cue lights and soft music]

Act One: Barrier methods

[Mr. Sperm and Ms. Egg on either side of a plastic curtain. They bump into the plastic curtain repeatedly.]

Voiceover: "No touchy Ms. Egg, Mr. Sperm. No touchy Mr. Sperm, Ms. Egg."

[cue spermicide]

Dr. Spermicide: "Die, Mr. Sperm! DIE!
[Mr. Sperm gags, sinks slowly to stage and dies]

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Act Two: Hormonal methods

[Soft snoring as Ms. Egg slumbers off stage; Mr. Sperm wanders around stage.]

Voiceover: "No eggs here this month, Mr. Sperm."

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Act Three: Combo of barrier and hormone: IUD.

[Confused Mr. Sperm and Ms. Egg dance together but fall off the stage into the orchestra pit.]

Voiceover: "No eggs, Mr. Sperm and if there were, no place for you to settle down."

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INTERMISSION

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Act Four: "Natural" methods

[Ms. Egg comes onto stage left, crosses and exits stage right. Mr. Sperm enters stage left and wanders around before exiting stage right.]

Voiceover: "You just missed Ms. Egg, Mr. Sperm."

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Act Five: Sterilization

[Crickets]

[Lights dim.]

[Spotlights on Mr. Sperm and Ms. Egg as they come out and do bows. Ms. Egg steps forward, addressing the audience]

Ms. Egg: "Since you try to legislate control over female gametes like we live in Biblical times, Mr. President, I humbly ask you to legislate similarly for abandoned and ill-used male gametes and move to bring back the Biblical punishment for male Onanism."

[Ms. Egg smiles sweetly. Curtain closes; music ends]

THE END

If you don't want to kill me after this ridiculous post, please visit the following link to sign a petition to help women keep the medical right to birth control.