Thursday, May 14, 2009

When one door closes there's always another one to kick the sh*t out of

I'm grumpy today. Tired. Bitchy. Did Oscar the Grouch have a sister? Because that's about me, right about now.

I am seriously rethinking my decision to become an academic-- five days prior to defending my dissertation-- possibly the worst piece of tripe ever composed, anywhere, by any being, in the entire history of the whole universe.

There's about 50 gazillion articles and books of which I should have a working knowledge by next Tuesday. Yep, and the likelihood that one of my five committee members is going to ask about the 40, 161,234th is about 1:1. (It's never a good sign when I start trying to use numbers; that and quoting Dante or Melville who might be the second worst writer in the history of everything right behind me.)

Told you I was grouchy.

Another thing that is pissing me right the hell off: our dryer is broken. Yes, I am griping because I have clothes and boxers and socks hanging all over our apartment. And four voicemails since Monday to our landlady (who is usually Jane-on-the-spot) have gone unanswered.

I feel like a turn-of-the-20th-century Irish/German/Polish immigrant in the Bronx. All that's missing are the gaggle of children tugging on my imaginary apron strings (oops, just popped out another one). Not even Monty Python can make me smile today.

I refuse.

Every sperm is not sacred.

In fact, if a sperm gets wasted, it is because the dude it came from had too many Jack and Cokes at the pub down the block.

And I am the one who's irate.

I am so white from being inside, strapped to a computer, that you can almost see every vein, muscle, and tendon beneath my skin. I'm like the Invisible Man without the cool invisible part (and the penis; boy wouldn't that be a shocker for Tom after being together for almost four years?).

I am in such a foul mood that I considered switching political parties just to see if that made me feel better. Actually, that's a lie. I would never even consider it.

See? And now I'm lying because I am grumpy.

I never lie.


Except for that one time when my doctor asked me if I had ever experimented with drugs and I said "no".

Altho' technically, that's not a lie. I didn't experiment with cannabis. I smoked it... regularly.

Maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis. I am turning 38 in less than two months and I am without a working dryer, I feel like a Staten Island cast off, and I don't want to be an invisible man, well, woman.

Regardless, doors keep opening and closing and I feel like kicking the crap out of all of them.

Especially the one marked: "Winning Powerball numbers for the next drawing."

Unfair. So f*cking unfair...

Update: I just found this post on Media Matters that made my day. In a nutshell, rightwing blogs are irrelevant according to a Brigham Young University study. Can you get more right wing than BYU?


Anonymous,  May 14, 2009 at 3:46 PM  

And here I thought I was having a bad day.

You are funny when you're upset. :)

James May 14, 2009 at 3:52 PM  

Thanks. I needed that.


Seeing Eye Chick May 14, 2009 at 4:15 PM  

I have had many days like this due to a variety of reasons. Some even self inflicted.

Have a big cup of strong coffee and a big piece of chocolate cake. Read something like the Fortean Times-because its weird and frivolous.

Throw darts at that limbaugh dart board you have in your home-office.

skyewriter May 14, 2009 at 4:26 PM  

Thanks pottersfield and James.

Seeing Eye: I would *love* a huge piece of chocolate cake right now... I think I am a bit PMS-y, too.

What do I have that's chocolate in my house? Hmmm... some unsweetened Hershey's cocoa. That might do it :).

Grandpa Eddie May 14, 2009 at 4:53 PM  

Why don't ya swing over to my place and watch the video MAKING YOUR MONEY GROW I've got up.

That should make ya smile.

skyewriter May 14, 2009 at 5:05 PM  

Thanks, GE. That. was. a. hoot!

You all should head over there and check it out...

Riot Kitty May 14, 2009 at 5:46 PM  

Hahaha! That study made MY day :)And fyi, Oscar has a sister - me!

Anonymous,  May 14, 2009 at 6:06 PM  

I loved this. You have a unique gift of hyperbole that is just hilarious. I agree with you about Melville.

Why do students still have to read that garbage?

Chris May 14, 2009 at 6:55 PM  

We all have grumpy have a good way of making it your own stuff!!!!!! Turning 38 though, is the start of a whole new look on life...your hormones tell you so...just research it, know what's going on, embrace it and let it work for you...

skyewriter May 14, 2009 at 7:09 PM  

RK: Your screen name totally suits you because you are a riot!

Pashamin: Thank you kindly. I can assure you, none of my students read that detritus.

Chris: Thank you, too, and you are so sweet. I try. Ranting on my blog definitely helps me feel better. Sorry that you all are the victims of it :). Hormones... ugh.

Dr. Jay SW May 14, 2009 at 8:10 PM  

Speaking as a person who decided to bail from academia less than a year after getting my PhD...actually, there's nothing I can say that won't make you feel worse...never mind.

As for marijuana, I like to say that I did long term, in-depth research....

themom May 14, 2009 at 8:39 PM  

Well thanks for stopping by my place. I shall proceed to get you onto my blogroll. Considering I had a total hysty when I was 34, over two decades ago...I forget what PMS was like then...but I am enjoying my "eccentric" style now!! Woohoo. Until the Alzheimers sets in I have to have something to fall back on.

True Blue Texan May 14, 2009 at 8:45 PM  

Chocolate is the answer. I don't know ( or care) what the question was but chocolate is always the answer. Of course, that's not what my husband would say...

ZIRGAR May 14, 2009 at 9:11 PM  

Well, at least you weren't out all night getting drunk and make yourself sick to your stomach so that the next morning you didn't shit your draws on the way to the toilet at the local fast food joint, and knowing you can't take your undies out of the bathroom with them being soaked like that, you brainstorm and decide to put them under the lid of the commode tank, and walk out feeling so much better than when you went in...Me either. I'm just saying.

Anonymous,  May 14, 2009 at 9:40 PM  

Well I was gonna suggest a nice "herbal cigarette" before I got to the cannibus part. Hell I am 15 years older than you and I am still having my midlife crisis.

Excuse me while I light up a doobie...

skyewriter May 14, 2009 at 10:13 PM  

Dr. Jay: I'd love to read some of that long-term, in-depth research :)

themom: Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment. As I wrote in your comments I look forward to getting caught up with your blogs.

True Blue: Yes. Chocolate. It was always my fill in response on exams, the answer for every question, and men have no idea how close they are to being replaced by it.

Zirgar: I think you need to write a post about that one.

Willpen: So nice to hear from you. I hope you are well. Loved the top ten from Letterman you posted.

Cosa Nostradamus May 14, 2009 at 10:26 PM  

Piece 'a cake.

Go on, have one.

Then you'll be a set to face those academic hacks & lifelong mediocrities. You're much smarter than them. Just don't rub it in. Observe the forms & protocols, kiss their asses, bow down to their gods. Don't challenge their basic assumptions.

Either you know you sh*t or you don't. Don't worry. You do. Just don't get flustered or thrown off track by questions you don't know the answer to. Nobody knows EVERYTHING. They wouldn't be anywhere near a college campus if they did. They'd be flyin' around on the moon, eatin' space-candies.

Just stay centered, remember what a nice, attractive & good person you are in everyone's eyes. (Nobody can actually see the she-beast within.) Make them like you, make a few good points, and fall back on Nixon when you're stuck:

"I'm glad you asked that question..."
"Yes, that's an important point, but when I looked into it further, I was surprised to find..."
And then gently divert the question toward something you actually do know.

Also, "Let me say this about that..."
"Yes, that brings up Blah-blah's corollary to Ding-dong's hypothesis..."
Then just go on and on until their eyes glaze over; finally, jerk to a halt as though you had precisely answered their question, right before they scream at you to STOP.

Bring muffins. Hashish muffins.

And a loaded pistol, prominently displayed.

It'll be fine.

Soon you'll either be one of them, or lost out there in the corporate world using absolutely nothing you've ever learned in school, except typing.

There's still time to join the Navy.

Your blog is up for a "COSIE," though. So, you might wanna chuck this whole going outside thing.

skyewriter May 14, 2009 at 10:47 PM  

Thanks, Cosa :)

Blah-blah's corollary to Ding-dong's hypothesis is actually in my introduction to my defense. How did you know?

Also, my committee chair is taking us all out for sushi that evening. She wouldn't make reservations for a party of 15 if they were going to chuck me, right?

I am confused (and feel silly asking): what is a COSIE?

Shady Lady May 14, 2009 at 11:29 PM  

I just love a good rant! I hope you feel better. :)

skyewriter May 14, 2009 at 11:40 PM  

Thanks, Shady. All of the kind words from all these decent folks has helped a lot. Hope you are well and recovering from foosball and such. :)

Cosa Nostradamus May 15, 2009 at 12:42 AM  

Blah-blah's corollary to Ding-dong's hypothesis is actually in my introduction to my defense. How did you know?Because it's in EVERYones!

Also, my committee chair is taking us all out for sushi that evening. She wouldn't make reservations for a party of 15 if they were going to chuck me, right?If they offer Fugu, decline politely. It's nothing personal.

I am confused (and feel silly asking): what is a COSIE?Oh, just a little award we give out. You'll see.

skyewriter May 15, 2009 at 9:14 AM  

Never had blowfish (since it's illegal and I wouldn't want to eat it even illegally here, not living on a coast); do however love, love, love unagi (sans spikes), shake, and maguro. Oh, and spicy tuna roll. Yummmmy.

Phuck Politics May 15, 2009 at 12:23 PM  

If Monty Python can't make you smile, nothing will.

Nancy May 15, 2009 at 6:26 PM  

As a former prisoner and victim of that bastard PMS for 10 years, I can vouch for everything skyewriter is pissed about...and more dammit! Been there...ain't goin' back. Grrrr....

Thanks for the trip down memory lane. :)

LeftLeaningLady May 16, 2009 at 12:18 PM  

I am sorry you were so cranky. I hate days like that; I just tell DSD to stay far away from me or I will stab him in eye! He understands,! Why must we feel this way?

PMS, oh yes. Plus you are under a great deal of stress. Good luck with your defense and plan a lovely pitcher of margaritas (substitute your drink of choice) afterwards and have some relaxation! You will feel so much better once this is done!

skyewriter May 16, 2009 at 1:00 PM  

Thanks, Nancy and LLL: I appreciate the commiseration and the comments!

Sidhe May 17, 2009 at 10:20 PM  

Hang in there! I get quite concerned about the lady who cannot even laugh at Monty Python. You need a vacation (hmmm, I know just the place and there's a big bottle of Sake there too!).

Anonymous,  May 17, 2009 at 10:20 PM  

I love your rants. Really I mean it. But I know what you mean. I had it in my head to blow through undergrad in 3 years (don't know what i was thinking) and then by the time i graduated from law school I just felt pasty and that i suffered from sitting syndrome.

I hope you get smashed after this is over. Just silly drunk. So much so that everything is funny. If you do it, please post when you are like that too. It would be fun.

PENolan June 1, 2009 at 9:15 PM  

Going outside is over rated. You'll feel better next week when all this is over - defending your dissertation and the PMS too. Chocolate cupcakes might help
Or ice cream
or pie
Or ice cream and pie

But why the references to the boroughs of The Bronx and Staten Island? Sounds like you've spent some time up here.

PS: You'd make a terrible republican ;)

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