My laptop, my enemy

I have developed an aversion to my laptop.

It's true.

We have a PC in our home office that basically is Tom's computer. He uses it for his work and to play his online video games.

He is getting a laptop this summer, but I am going to warn him about the hazards with which all laptops should be labeled. [A side note, it should be like those tags on mattresses that are illegal to remove.]

WARNING: Persistent exposure to this device for academic purposes may cause the following:

• Spontaneous swearing
• Excessive daydreaming
• Loss of time
• Repeatedly counting cursor blinks before striking a single key
• Inability to think coherently
• Procrastinationalitis
  
• Grammatical incompetence
• Napping
• Bumps on forehead from repeated beating with keyboard
• Memory loss of location of the most important files in your c drive
• Naming files weird things so that they are memorable (yet causes above)
  
• General imbalance of the humor
  
• Grouchiness
• Obsessive blogging disorder
  
• Pale skin
• Alien hand
• Boogie Fever

~and~

• Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia

I am considering a restraining order on my laptop.

It will not be allowed within 50 yards of my fingers nor will it be allowed to taunt me with its non-empty threats of writer's block.

It has become a toxic relationship and I just hope I don't have to shoot it to put myself out of my misery.