Saturday, December 6, 2008

Warning: this post has words and a tale of caution

You know we live in a scary world when we need a sign telling us to be scared of a sign.

There is some very fine print at the bottom; as far as I can read it says: "Also, the bridge is out ahead".

I think it speaks a lot to human behavior; a lot of stupid human behavior. I imagine people driving to this area, parking a car in front of the sign, obeying the "no driving your car here" sign but stupidly disregarding the "no people" sign, a decision they soon regret.

One cloudy afternoon, not unlike the one in the picture, a couple approach the sign in a glossy, chromed-out Yellow Hummer. A man gets out from the driver's side, a woman from the passenger's. As she steps away from the ostentatious behemoth, a brisk gust lifts the plaid shawl she has draped loosely around her shoulders and she instinctively draws it closer. They stroll toward the water (but really it's a waste pond) there in the distance, as the man holds her left hand in his right. She lazily stokes the sign with her right hand and "OW!" gets a huge metal cut when the sign's edge digs deep into her palm. As she tries to staunch the flow of blood with her Burberry shawl she hears a yelp and looks around.

"Jeff?" she asks hesitantly.

"JEFF!" a little more insistently, panic in her voice.

The man has mysteriously vanished. Police are called, her wound bandaged and the search for Jeff is unable to proceed as the land behind the sign is pocked like swiss cheese with sink holes and quick sand from the toxic waste illegally dumped there.

Twenty years ago so many people got curious about the dilapidated bridge "they" posted a sign to prevent people from breaking limbs by walking on the rotten wood. When sink-holes developed and large patches of quicksand appeared, another sign was placed. Still, stupid people ignored the sign and many more came to an awful end. In desperation to help prevent the needless deaths of hundreds of morons each year, "they" again posted a sign warning about the sign, hoping this at last would be enough to keep ignoramuses at bay.

Alas, we all now know how this tale ends. The woman with the ruined Burberry shawl hires an attorney and files a law suit.

At the trial, the judge dismisses the case on the grounds of "stupidity" and adds: "I can't believe you tried to get 'them' to pay for the dry cleaning of your shawl. And WHY on earth are you still driving a Hummer?"

The dejected woman drives away from the court house. On her way the low fuel light comes on (for the fourth time that week) and lucky for her she notices a Mobile gas station ahead on Main Street where gas is only $6.50 a gallon. She's decides to do some shopping to ease her mind after the dismissal of her law suit and to cushion the blow of losing Jeff to a sink hole or quick sand-- she will never know.

She then sees a sign:

"That's a good deal on shit," she thinks, suddenly feeling better, making a right turn from the left lane without signaling or looking for cars beside her.

Over the honks and the shouts, a sense of calm is restored to the woman. She returns home later that day excitedly emptying her plastic bags. As she tries to decide where to put her purchases she looks at the expiration date below the "Made in China" sticker on her shit, only to discover that the shit has expired.

Yes, we live in a world fraught with peril. Death lurks at every corner and an unending supply of needless outsource-produced shit is at our finger-tips waiting for the hapless and intelligence-challenged. Natural selection and evolution do their parts. It's up to the morons to finish the job.

This ends today's tale with words and a warning this holiday season: Beware of signs that say don't touch them and always check that the shit you buy made in China hasn't already expired.

Happy Saturday to all.

4 comments:

Seeing Eye Chick December 6, 2008 at 12:26 PM  

Gosh if you need chicken shit, I got plenty of that, made in America, by real American Chicken Anuses.

So sad. I think I know that woman.

Sidhe December 6, 2008 at 1:41 PM  

My stomach hurts from laughing. I may have to sue!

True Blue Texan December 6, 2008 at 1:54 PM  

Where do you find these signs? Nothing that original in my neck of the woods.

skyewriter December 6, 2008 at 2:51 PM  

I wish I could take credit for these two pix (the one from Chicago is mine, tho'). I sometimes do internet image searches and find goofy stuff, save it and think about how I can use for a blog post.

Today, I wanted to write about that caution sign and immediately I saw morons (the chicken poop seemed a natural contribution to a tale of morons).

The rest, as they say, is history...

  © Blogger templates ProBlogger Template by Ourblogtemplates.com 2008

Back to TOP