Thursday, March 19, 2009

AADD: American Attention and Deficit Disorder

I'm convinced that some Americans may be suffering from a clinical case of AADD: American Attention and Deficit Disorder.

First, those suffering from AADD have memory loss. Symptoms may include:

  • Blatant denial of causes for the financial meltdown
  • Memory loss is localized to the recall of the past eight years
  • Revising the causes of the huge deficit
Second, those suffering from AADD exhibit signs of exponential impatience. Symptoms may include:
  • Demanding that the president who has been in office for eight weeks FIX EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW!!!
  • A national media that is obsessed with pitting parties and segments of the country against one another for ratings.
  • Denial of the calendar year. The Dems may have a bad day, but how about that GOP in 2012?
Third, those suffering from AADD may behave and converse in an irrational manner. Symptoms include:
  • Erratic and inconsistent interviews performed by politicians who clearly have no clue what the average American is enduring these days
  • High pitched games of verbal "hot potato" where it's no one's fault, but everyone's fault at the same time
  • Unpredictable shifts in the blame game: "it's the banks' fault"; "it's poor people's fault"; "it's Wall Street's fault"; "it's the purple-ceramic-gnome-in-my-yard-that-talks-to-me fault"
  • Claiming that health insurance is not part of the economic crisis
  • Condoning torture and bragging about it on the news
Seek immediate medical attention if you suffer from any of the following:
  • Restful nights
  • Delusions of grandeur
  • Excessive use of the word "no"
  • Blatant denials of underhanded government decisions (see Chris Dodd-f*cker)
  • A lack of stability
  • Difficulty walking and chewing gum at the same time
  • Nausea
  • Vomiting
  • Explosive diarrhea of the mouth
  • Bruising on head from hitting it against the wall
  • Winding ass and scratching watch
  • Erectile dysfunction or an erection if you don't have a penis
  • Near death experiences
  • Spontaneous seances
  • Urges to start a food fight in the bakery at the grocery store
Some preventative measures:
  • Take regular breaths in and out
  • Avoid overexposure to TV crews
  • Avoid excessive amounts of TV viewing, particularly the news
  • Read a good book
  • Donate time to a worthy charity
  • Smile, though your heart is breaking
  • Stop using the stock market as a barometer to measure the recovery
  • Hug and kiss those you love often
  • Swear every now and then to release tension
  • Walk your dog
  • Make yourself a nice cup of tea using a tea ball instead of a teabag
  • Laugh, laugh, laugh because if you don't, you may cry, cry, cry
For lost causes, please contact your local animal control officer and spay or neuter any person who refuses treatment for this disorder.

10 comments:

Shady Lady March 19, 2009 at 11:45 AM  

By gosh, I think you've figured it out!

Seeing Eye Chick March 19, 2009 at 5:07 PM  

You're a fucking Genius. Esp about the Spay and Neuter part.

Do I have to use surgical tools or can I just hollar:

"Sick Balls Choppers!"

??

skyewriter March 19, 2009 at 5:19 PM  

I've never been one for forced sterilization, but this might be an experimental case for it...

I think "Sick Balls Choppers!" will suffice :) Only Stephen King could come up with that one.

Seeing Eye Chick March 19, 2009 at 11:44 PM  

Well now we have done it. Talked about Forced sterilization and Testicle eating Junkyard dogs. The thought police shall be upon us shortly.

skyewriter March 19, 2009 at 11:49 PM  

Roflmao, Seeing eye.

Testicle Eating Junkyard Dogs; sounds like an early 80s punk band from St. Louis.

Seeing Eye Chick March 20, 2009 at 6:33 PM  

I think that Coultergeist was in that band. After being egged on to one up Alice Cooper in the alleged chicken head incident.... Or was that Ozzy and a Bat?

Sidhe March 20, 2009 at 11:54 PM  

Love it!

...and thanks for mentioning the tea ball vs. bags (it's enviro friendly and I really haven't had time to do any green blogging lately).

You know, Testical Eating Junkyard Dogs was a great band until the Coultergeist thought she would do a Jello and get all political on us (at least Biafra makes sense).

catherinemacivor.com March 21, 2009 at 2:03 PM  

How funny Skye. I was crying from laughter when I read it.

skyewriter March 21, 2009 at 4:57 PM  

Yay! I have to admit, Stephen Colbert has been very inspiring lately with his hi-larious non-sequiturs and blatantly off-balance logic.

I'm glad to have been able to provide a smile and a giggle... I'm also glad that you caught the humor I tried to infuse this with. I was sure I was going to get lots and lots of hate comments...

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