Tuesday, November 18, 2008

The Egg and the Sperm: A Short Drama in Five Acts

Setting: a wood-planked stage with old fashioned floor-lights; think "Puttin' on the Ritz" scene from Young Frankenstein.

The theater is empty, save one big eared, squinty eyed Bush Jr. in the audience.

[cue lights and soft music]

Act One: Barrier methods

[Mr. Sperm and Ms. Egg on either side of a plastic curtain. They bump into the plastic curtain repeatedly.]

Voiceover: "No touchy Ms. Egg, Mr. Sperm. No touchy Mr. Sperm, Ms. Egg."

[cue spermicide]

Dr. Spermicide: "Die, Mr. Sperm! DIE!
[Mr. Sperm gags, sinks slowly to stage and dies]

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Act Two: Hormonal methods

[Soft snoring as Ms. Egg slumbers off stage; Mr. Sperm wanders around stage.]

Voiceover: "No eggs here this month, Mr. Sperm."

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Act Three: Combo of barrier and hormone: IUD.

[Confused Mr. Sperm and Ms. Egg dance together but fall off the stage into the orchestra pit.]

Voiceover: "No eggs, Mr. Sperm and if there were, no place for you to settle down."

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INTERMISSION
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Act Four: "Natural" methods

[Ms. Egg comes onto stage left, crosses and exits stage right. Mr. Sperm enters stage left and wanders around before exiting stage right.]

Voiceover: "You just missed Ms. Egg, Mr. Sperm."

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Act Five: Sterilization

[Crickets]

[Lights dim.]

[Spotlights on Mr. Sperm and Ms. Egg as they come out and do bows. Ms. Egg steps forward, addressing the audience]

Ms. Egg: "Since you try to legislate control over female gametes like we live in Biblical times, Mr. President, I humbly ask you to legislate similarly for abandoned and ill-used male gametes and move to bring back the Biblical punishment for male Onanism."

[Ms. Egg smiles sweetly. Curtain closes; music ends]


THE END




If you don't want to kill me after this ridiculous post, please visit the following link to sign a petition to help women keep the medical right to birth control.

3 comments:

True Blue Texan November 18, 2008 at 8:51 PM  

Hi-lar-i-ous. I'll still read ya'.

Seeing Eye Chick November 18, 2008 at 10:19 PM  

Sometimes you have to dumb things down. You know, Dick and Jane are tards.

So Kudos! I think you might have gotten thru--pun intended.

Aliceson November 19, 2008 at 9:29 AM  

Very Funny! I immediately signed the petition, because George Bush doesn't belong anywhere near my uterus or my choice of birth control.

A very christian freind of mine sent me an email the other day outraged that President elect Obama plans to reinstate the Freedom of Choice Act. My response: "It's about time a president stands up for women."

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